Unpredictability
by erenstitanbutt
Summary: Oneshot, mentions of JeanMarco. Life is completely uncontrollable. Anything could happen, anyone could die at any time. If only it hadn't been Marco... But Jean isn't alone; there's someone who knows exactly what he's feeling. (This is what I think sets the basis for Jean and Armin's relationship: Armin comforting Jean after Marco's death)


A/N: Probably the most OOC thing I've written in over a year OTL God this is pathetic well... I promised to write this so I might as well upload it. I was pressed for time, so that's part of why it's a fail... Oh well *sigh*

Senseless. That's what it was, that's what all of this was. All of this death, all of this pain, all the bloodshed... all of it was senseless murder. Humans couldn't even communicate with the monsters that kept them cooped up in the walls like cattle. Titans lived only to pointlessly kill any human that strayed too close, acting without thought and without care.

It was by pure chance that Marco was killed, wasn't it? Some sick twist of fate, a stroke of horrible luck was behind this. It was out of anyone's control. Somewhere in the back of Jean's mind he wondered if this had been avoidable (if they'd joined the Military Police like the two had originally planned, Marco would still be here today. But with the great unpredictability of the world they lived in, for how much longer would either of them be around?), but he knew that it really was just a random happening, albeit a completely heart shattering and unfair one.

Jean just wished it could've been someone else. As cruel as it was to wish that end upon someone, he wanted Marco back. He wanted to see him smile again; he hated that the last time he'd seen him his face was maimed, his mouth twisted into an ugly scowl. He wanted to hear Marco muttering unhappily under his breath in front of the mirror as he poked at the freckles on his face again (the small marks that dotted his entire body had always bothered him). He wanted to see the rise and fall of his chest while he slept, proving that he was still breathing, that his heart was still pumping and that he was still very much alive. He would've given anything for Marco to just be alive, even if he was permanently disabled (and he would've certainly been).

...Ah, no. He wouldn't wish that someone else had died. And Marco wouldn't want that. He wouldn't want to have to sit around uselessly while others went off to fight the titans, either. Maybe it was better he was dead? Jean scowled at his shoes, folding his arms on his knees and resting his forehead on them. Why did this even have to happen in the first place? Why did any of this have to happen? He hated how unpredictable everything was. The titans had taken so many things, and now his closest friend could be added to that long list.

Marco was more than his friend, though. He always had Jean's back, and he carried a bit of his load on his shoulders...and he had carried Jean's heart in his hands.

Jean let out a shaky breath, feeling tears form in his eyes. He hadn't really had a chance to think about this until now, up here on the roof, but now that he was alone everything was crashing down on him. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, finding it hard to breathe.

He heard footsteps, and his head snapped up. He looked over his shoulder, a little surprised to see Armin walking towards him. He hastily wiped at his eyes, wiping away any tears before they could fall.

"I thought you might be up here," Armin said quietly. He looked a little unsure, but he continued. "Can I sit?" Jean nodded, not trusting his voice. Armin sat a few inches away from him, pulling his knees up to his chest and sighing softly. There was a short silence, but it wasn't awkward or unwanted. It was nice that Armin refrained from immediately dumping words on him. Jean sat with his chin in his hand, watching the trees rustle in the breeze. Things looked, for once, peaceful. Maybe it was because it was so quiet up here in the orange light of the setting sun.

Armin spoke up after a few minutes, still speaking softly. "You were really close to Marco, right?" Jean nodded. "I didn't know him that well, obviously...but I understand what you're feeling." Armin didn't look at Jean as he spoke, instead staring at his feet. Jean looked at him a little skeptically, but he remained silent. "When that titan ate Eren...It was so horrible. He's been my friend since... well, for as long as I can remember. Losing someone you care so much for...it's a really horrible thing. The pain is awful. I thought he was gone for only a short time, but it hurt so badly I lost all hope for a while. I would... I would never wish that on someone else, that pain."

Jean tried to swallow, but he couldn't. "It's so unfair," he managed, his voice cracking. "It was completely out of my control, but... It just isn't fair." His hands curled into fists, and he couldn't stop the tears from spilling over this time. He dropped his head again, burying his face in his arms. He felt light pressure on his shoulder and leaned into it, finding comfort in Armin's presence. He understood how he felt, and Jean was suddenly glad he was there. He hated being alone.

His silent tears turned into choking sobs that racked his body. He slumped against Armin, who wordlessly wrapped his arm around his shaking shoulders and let him cry his eyes out. Jean occasionally choked out a few words, sobbing "It's so fucking stupid" and "I just wish..." over and over again. Armin didn't ask him to complete the sentences he left unfinished. He sat silently until Jean's sobs eventually subsided and stayed still while Jean just sat there with his face against his shoulder, sniffling and occasionally hiccupping.

Jean finally pulled back, turning his head away and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "Sorry," he croaked.

"It's okay. Don't apologize," Armin assured him. Jean sniffed again, trying to steady his breathing. A few minutes passed before Jean spoke again, his voice still shaking slightly.

"...I loved him."

Armin smiled a little sadly. "I know."

"I should've told him when I had the chance."

"...I think he knew."

Jean glanced at him. He was a complete mess, but Armin's words helped a bit. If anyone could tell, it would probably be Armin. He noticed things others didn't. "You think...? Mm. Thanks, Armin." He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He was angry that his best friend's life was cut short so mercilessly and he was still shattered from having the one he loved ripped away from him so suddenly, but he felt like he'd cried some of his hurt away. He had mourned, and now he had to pick himself up and keep fighting. He'd kill those titans for Marco. He'd kill as many titans as he could so that more lives would be spared from their blind slaughtering. Even if their fates were left to chance, he could only move forward. It wasn't like he had a choice, after all.

Armin finally stood up and offered a hand to Jean. He took it and clambered to his feet, clearing his throat and wiping his nose. The sun had sunk below the treetops, and it was getting steadily darker by the minute. "I won't say a word to anyone," Armin promised before he could be asked to stay quiet. Jean nodded, relieved that he could rely on him. They headed back down into the building, wordlessly deciding to go around the back. Jean didn't need everyone to see him like this, all red-eyed and tearstained. Just Armin was okay though. Armin was easy to be around, he was quiet and understanding and just...nice. He didn't hide his emotions behind an indifferent mask like the Corporal or vent everything through anger like Eren.

Once down, they started heading towards the barracks. Armin paused, looking over his shoulder. "I should go; Mikasa's probably looking for me. If you need anything, I'll be around, okay?"

Jean nodded, but grabbed Armin's wrist, stopping him from leaving just yet. He quickly released it, scratching the back of his neck and looking away. "Okay. Yeah. Sorry. Um...can I ask you something?"

"What is it?" Armin looked up at him.

Jean met his gaze. "Do you really think he knew?"

Armin nodded once. "Yeah."

The corners of Jean's mouth turned up in a slight smile. He looked down, sighing softly. "Thanks, Armin."

"It's no problem." With that, he turned and started towards the other building.

Jean huffed as he opened the door, nodding once at Connie who was carrying a load of towels. Tomorrow, they'd all be tossed back into the fray no matter what they felt like, who they'd lost or how much sleep they'd gotten. Jean didn't have the luxury of mourning Marco for any longer. Their lives were living Hell, but they could only trudge through to the next day. No one knew how many people would be taken by the titans tomorrow, no one knew if they'd die on the battlefield or in their sleep. Life was a horribly unpredictable thing, and it was all too short. But Jean was going to make his worthwhile. He'd kill enough titans for the both of them; he'd get revenge for Marco.


End file.
